Ship In a Bottle
by DitchPeach
Summary: After Damon turns her mother Bonnie decides it's time to work on her magic seriously.
1. The Not So Wicked Witch

**Title:** Ship in a Bottle  
**Author:** Dragana  
**Main Pairing:** Bonnie/Klaus  
**Other Pairings:** Caroline/Tyler  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** Bad Language. Total Crack fic. No beta.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries or the _Coquette Café.  
_**Summary:** After Damon turns her mother Bonnie decides it's time she started to work on her magic seriously.  
**Author's note: **Thanks to QueenKeeta69 for listening and reading all the bits of fic I send your way.

Ship in a Bottle

After Damon kills her mother Bonnie, admittedly, gets a little upset. Goes a little bit crazy. Okay, _fine_, maybe she just _snaps_ a little and decides that vampires have fucked with her long enough and she wasn't going to suffer anymore. Not for Elena, not for this town. She wasn't going to _take it, _wasn't going to _give in_, especially not at the expense of her last living family member.

It takes a few weeks; between Alaric going _batshitinsane_ and killing off council members (or you know, random founding family members) and her mother _leaving __**again**_, Bonnie works on refining her very first spell. She fixes Ric first; she can't **not **fix him- he's a human, killing humans because of a magical ring her ancestor made. And as much as she'd like to think about herself she has a job to do.

Nature, balance- all that shit.

It is very hard to look Elena in the eye and not set her on fire. These days it's difficult to remember why they're friends in the first place. Elena is selfish and is loyal to whoever's giving her the most attention at that second. Every time she thinks about Abby and how she'd be alive if Elena hadn't felt sorry for_ Elijah_and told him the plan she wants to end her and send her heart to Klaus just for kicks.

'_Klaus, _

_I wonder if you can you make your hybrid army out of this?' _

_ xoxo Bonnie Bennett.'_

Bonnie can tell that Caroline knows what she's thinking and she occupies Elena while Bonnie consults other witches, orders rare herbs off the internet and _modifies_ the tomb spell. When it's ready she calls a meeting at the boarding house, claiming to have found a way to kill Klaus for good and _forgets _to invite anyone other than Damon and Stefan.

Stefan texts her; he tells her to let herself in, make herself comfortable. He says that he and Damon will meet her after they meet with Liz. Someone's got to cover for Alaric after all and while Liz is usually understanding even she can't let a murderer go free (at least not a _human_ murderer).

He pretends he and his brother hadn't killed her mother.

When they come in they're arguing, about what she couldn't care less and she has just enough time to finish the first part of the spell before they notice they aren't alone. Damon tries to stop her; he's smart enough to know that a Bennett chanting in his presence isn't a good thing but he doesn't take more than a few steps before he's down.

Stefan falls where he stands, his face a mix of surprise and betrayal that gives her happy tingles. For a second she wants to be petty, stand over him and say, "_How ya like me now Stefan?" _But she's not that far gone. She does give him a little _tap _with the tip of her shoe though, almost like rolling a hacky sack off her foot before she bends over to look at him.

When the spell is over both brothers are about the size of a Ken doll, wide awake and unable to move. Damon is _furious _and the look on his face further brightens her day. Now he knows how it feels, to be loomed over, looked down upon. She doesn't feel bad when she picks them up, drops them in her purse and locks the boarding house behind her.

When she gets home she lingers on the porch for long time, debating the next part of the plan. If she _invites_ mini Damon and Stefan in and they ever return to their former selves her father would be in danger. But in order for the plan to work she **has **to bring them inside. As she thinks on this dilemma she swings her purse in a wide arc and every so often she can hear Stefan or Damon's shoes (heads) hit her Grimoire.

She finally decides that she's come this far- she can always have Caroline compel her dad into signing over the house to a distant cousin or some _random _human if the worst happens. Or she could take other measures to ensure her father's safety. Either way her father will be safe. She unlocks her door and steps through, pulling the purse behind her. She gives it a few good tugs before inviting them in (just because she can) and once she's inside she locks the door behind her.

The first part is done.

BKBKBKB

In the spare room Bonnie drops to her knees in front of the house. The doll size boarding house she'd had made and spelled with the modified tomb spell. It had everything- working gas, water, electric. There were bed rooms, a library and den. A working kitchen with a tiny refrigerator to store the shrunken blood bags, shrunken clothes, books, a yard- It took a lot of work but this was what she'd come up with.

She opened her purse and pulled the vampires out by their feet. Damon, the bastard he is, bent at the waist and tried to bite her. But Bonnie was not only bigger, she was faster too and before his fangs could make contact she'd flicked him into the side of the house. Stefan didn't put up much of a fight but he did try and reason with her.

She wasn't in the mood to listen.

She set Stefan down on the front 'lawn' and watched them watch her. Damon wasn't happy, she could hear him screaming at her but she wasn't in the mood to take note of his threats. It's always the same with him, "_I'll rip your throat out, blah, kill your father, blah, compel/drain/terrorize the town, blah." _He got tired of yelling quickly and started trying to hop off the table but he just bounced back.

It was fun to watch.

"You brought this on yourselves. I told you Stefan, if one innocent was harmed by your brother I'd take him out, him and anyone that got in my way."

Damon doesn't want to listen and wanders off to inspect the house. Stefan, the more level headed brother (despite his ripper status) tries again to plead their case but Bonnie's had enough.

"I can't kill you; you were trying to do the right thing, save Elena but you could have come to me. You could have done a hundred different things Stefan and you kill my mother? Unacceptable."

He tries to tell her they aren't safe, not with Klaus running around; she isn't strong enough to take him out alone. This she ignores- he doesn't know what she's strong enough to do- he never bothered to find out.

"You want to live forever Stefan- well here you go. You've got food, water, clothes, entertainment; if you're good I'll even get you a few _friends_."

And with that she leaves him to pick a room.

BKBKBKB

It isn't hard to find Kol; he's at the Grill- well behind the Grill- eating a young man. She allows him to finish, compel the kid and just as he turns to show off, rub it in her face, she finishes the spell she'd started under her breath.

She picks him up on the way to get a snack.

BKBKBKB

Rebekah and a vampire named Sage are walking near the town hall and she follows behind them. They know she's there but they both think they can take her; they are older, stronger and Sage believes she can outsmart anyone.

Especially a young, inexperienced witch, like her.

They lead her down a dark alley way (such a _cliché_ but what can you expect from _vampires_) and once she's far enough not to be seen on the street they turn to face her.

"Did my mother send you?" Someone should really tell her bitterness is unattractive but Bonnie doubts that anyone really cares. Rebekah doesn't come close enough for Bonnie to catch her in the spell so she takes a few steps forward.

Sage is a friend of Damon, or so she says but she's really looking out for herself- hence her meeting with the Original blood slut. She's over confident, boldly showing Bonnie her vampire face but Bonnie's just as bold these days and she keeps on walking.

As she moves she starts a small fire behind the women on the other side of the alley, forcing them to move in her direction. Rebekah grows tired of the game first and tries to get behind Bonnie, block her in, but Bonnie's prepared for this and in no time at all she's got a couple of _Barbies _in her purse.

BKBKBKB

She thought long and hard about Klaus and how she could trap him too. She couldn't leave him free and she wasn't strong enough to kill him.

Yet.

So, she'd have to be creative with him. The hybrid had been alive for a thousand years, on the run from Mikael just as long. He probably had hundreds of enemies over the years and he wasn't going to stand still and let her trap him like the others did.

She was still thinking about it when she ran into Matt in front of the _Grill_. He wasn't watching where he was going and she was lost in thought. When they hit both of them bounced apart and landed on their asses in the middle of the sidewalk.

It's when Bonnie's purse popped open at the contact and both vampires tried to escape that Matt finally takes notice of his surroundings. Matt tried to process what he was seeing (it's not everyday living things crawl out of someone's handbag and set off down the street) while Bonnie scrambled to her feet and froze the two before they could get far.

"Bonnie, what the hell? Is that Rebekah?" Bonnie nodded and quickly levitated the two screaming girls over to where she stood. "I had to do something Matt. You understand right?"

Matt tried to stay out of all the supernatural messes his friends got themselves into but this was a bit much. Bonnie had this crazy look in her eyes that he didn't think he should ignore. She was channeling _Damon_; nothing good could come from that!

"Bon?" Bonnie ignored him, grabbed Sage out of the air and tossed her into her purse. When she took hold of Rebekah the Original bit her pointer finger and Bonnie immediately let go, dropping the vampire.

Before she could hit the ground Matt caught her by the back of her dress and lifted her up to take a closer look. Rebekah was flailing around and Matt had to tighten his hold but he could tell the girl was pissed. Bonnie, unapologicly, opened her purse and offered it up so he could toss the vampire in.

"This is your plan?" He reluctantly set Rebekah inside the open bag before Sage could escape again. "Maybe you should talk to Ric about this?" If anyone could talk some sense into the young witch it'd be him.

"I've got this Matt. I'm going to fix everything."

BKBKBKB

When Bonnie opened the door to the spare room she could already tell Damon had been up to no good. He'd started a fire in the front 'yard,' the tub in the first floor bathroom was over flowing and it looked like Stefan was picking bits of wood out of his thigh.

Overemotional little _bitch_.

She could see the back of Kol's head- he was sitting on the tool shed she had at the west end of the 'yard;' she couldn't see the what he was doing but she heard Damon's fist beat against something and Kol's laugh. Whatever the original was doing Damon earned it as far as she was concerned.

She dumped the purse out over the barrier and let the vampires fall out into the yard. She couldn't risk them getting loose in the house. That her father wouldn't understand. Stefan glanced up, rolled his eyes at the girls before going back to tending his wounds.

Sage and Rebekah took in their surroundings and like Damon tried to escape but they didn't get very far. It was almost as amusing as Damon's attempts. Almost. Rebekah was the first to give up; she made her way to Kol, no doubt hoping to come up with some sort of an escape plan. Sage gave it a few more running head starts before she finally bought a clue and sat her ass down.

Damon had yet to make an appearance but Bonnie knew he was watching (by this time he'd made a hole just big enough for his head and she could _feel _his creepy eyes watching her) so she smiled, just for him, hoping to irritate him a bit more.

"Hey Stefan? Why don't you fill them in for me? I've got a few more errands to run."

BKBKBKB

She still didn't have a plan to get Klaus that night but she wasn't worried. Klaus wasn't going anywhere, the rest of them were trapped in the 'boarding house' and Elena was avoiding her. At this point life couldn't get any better.

But it seems she spoke too soon because she was woken by a hysterical doppelganger around midnight.

"Bonnie Stefan's missing…" _Whine, whine, blah, blah, blah… __**whine**_. This time Caroline wasn't around to talk Bonnie down and since she broke in looking for Stefan and_ Damon _Bonnie figured she should give the girl what she came for.

Before she could sit up and wipe the sleep from her eyes the spell was cast and Elena was lying at the foot of her bed. The witch took a second to stretch then pushed the covers aside, crawled to the foot of the bed and picked her friend up off the floor.

She was awake but she couldn't move yet so Bonnie put her on the bed and pulled on her robe. Bonnie debated with herself for a second; it'd be _wrong_ to put Elena into the boarding house 'tomb'…right? On the other hand, Elena wanted to be with the vampires, they were _important_ to her after all. More _important _than her oldest, dearest friends.

What would it hurt to give her what she wanted?

Deciding she was too tired to give a fuck she gathered her friend up, crossed the hall to the spare room and flipped on the light. Stefan was in _his_ room and it looked like he was writing in a journal. Damon was drinking in the bath. Rebekah was sleeping, Kol was lying under her bed like some creepy Edward Cullen and Sage was missing.

Maybe one of them whacked her. One could only hope.

All of them looked up when Bonnie came in but she ignored them. She set Elena down in Stefan's room, promised she'd shrink some clothes for Elena in the morning and turned right around and left.

BKBKBKB

Caroline called the next day. Matt called. Alaric called. She ignored them all; she was busy trying to find Elijah, shrink Elena's possessions and clean the house before her father made his monthly appearance. Around three she came up for air and decided to go out for a late lunch.

She bypassed the _Grill_ (Matt was working and Alaric was quite possibly drinking) and drove the extra twenty minutes to the _Coquette Café_. It was more expensive and that meant she wouldn't see _anyone _she knew. So it was just her luck that when she entered she could feel Klaus in the building but she wasn't worried.

Klaus knew better than to fuck with her in public.

The waiter had barely taken two steps away from her table when he joined her and she smiled behind her menu. Maybe she wouldn't have to trick him after all. One more thing to check off her list.

"Witch." She didn't even have to look up, catch his expression- she knew he was smug, smiling- showing off those killer dimples. It's too bad he's undead and an asshole. She couldn't deal with both. Still- it was better than undead and _brooding_.

When she didn't drop the menu or otherwise acknowledge him he caressed her thigh under the table.

"Hybrid." She gave him an aneurism, a small one, but she could tell it hurt like a bitch when his fingers dropped from her body and he hissed like a snake. She lowered the menu and smirked at the aggravated look on his face.

"What can I do for you Niklaus?"

"I'm short a few siblings Ms. Bennett. You wouldn't happen to know where they could be by any chance?" He smiles at her and picks up a menu as if he could care less about Rebekah and Kol's whereabouts. "I'd ask the Salvatores but they seem to missing as well."

She wondered if this was his A- game; if it was she'd have him in the boarding house with the rest of the vampires before dinner. She's sure he'd like to be reunited with his _precious_ doppelganger blood bag. Or Stefan. It was hard to tell most days. "Maybe they went looking for your mother. She tried to kill you after all. If _my_ mother tried to kill _me _I'd be a bit cranky too."

Bonnie tries to sound serious but can't help that it doesn't _quite_ come out that way. He nods, like he expected her response and waves the waiter over. They order; Klaus has the Poulet Rôti with roasted beets and she has the bacon wrapped Strauss veal meatloaf with garlic mashed potatoes and porcini reduction. They talk politics and sports (he's a Democrat, _'no, seriously Bonnie.'_ and a fan of the Cubs).

They discuss the rain forest, the polar ice caps and responsible recycling. Bonnie mentions PETA and they share a laugh, (_They need to give you an award, I'm sure turning Stefan into the __**Ripper**__ has saved countless __**innocent **__animals_.) Klaus mentions gay marriage and Bonnie leans in closer when he offhandedly admits to compelling politicians (_Who I'm __**I**__ to judge Love, I __**eat**__ people_). They share bites of each other's entrées and split dessert (Oeufs a la neige).

He doesn't bring up the missing supernaturals again and she doesn't threaten to kill him. He pays (she offers the tip and he agrees, after a small argument involving fire and a broken finger). All in all it's the best afternoon she's had in a long time. Who would have thought?

When they've finished and he's walked her to her car he asks what she's doing for breakfast.

"What about Caroline? I thought you 'fancied' her." She suppresses the giggles that want to escape at the thought of his crush on the blonde. He huffs and laughs like he knows what she's thinking. "I know how to take a hint Bonnie. She doesn't want to know me, so I've decided to respect her wishes."

Since she's doing all sorts of crazy shit these days she agrees to breakfast and second guesses her plan to shrink him too.

BKBKBKB

Three weeks later Alaric, Meredith and Elijah are trapped in the boarding house with the rest of the vampires, Finn and Ester are dead, Caroline and Tyler are back together and Klaus and Bonnie are dating. Matt's even got health insurance.

No ones inquired about the missing supernaturals and if you ask Bonnie people are better off without knowing. Caroline and Klaus suspect Bonnie (Klaus isn't really worried about his siblings, she can't _kill _an Original without a little extra power- he could care less about the rest of them.) but they don't want to question a good thing.

And they don't want to get on her shit list.

Tyler wonders if they've run away together (Klaus and Caroline wait for Bonnie to flip her shit or do something _drastic _like kill them _all _but she takes a bite of her fortune cookie and shrugs) and Matt is quick to agree. He's seen what Bonnie could do and there's no way he's going to let her turn him into a living Ken doll.

Maybe she'll let them go when she calms down a bit. Or when she's found her mother. Or when Damon and Stefan get over themselves and tell Elena where she can shove it. Perhaps Klaus will piss her off and she'll be forced to play shrink the hybrid. It's anyone's guess what the future will hold.


	2. Family Counseling

**Title: **Ship in a Bottle-Two  
**Author: **Dragana  
**Main Pairing: **Bonnie/Klaus  
**Other Pairings: **Caroline/Tyler- Matt/OC  
**Rating: **NC-17  
**Warnings: **Bad Language. Total Crack fic. No beta. Some (poorly written) Sex. All mistakes are mine.  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Vampire Diaries or Maury or Jersey Shore or anything else.  
**Summary: **Klaus thinks Bonnie should think about, maybe, letting the inmates out of the _boarding house_.  
**Author's note: **Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews! Dannya1980, artemis-golden-arrow, DGfleetfox, Munchie16, BajanDiva, EbonyTresses, Queenkeeta69, ayana45, msreneedamon, NYOFACE, StillStacie, and Lady Daejah. I was inspired to add a bit more, though I'm not sure this is as funny as the first bit.

Ship in a Bottle-Two

The first time they fuck it's in Elijah's room in the Mikaelson's mansion. On the floor of his walk in _closet_. Oh, they've already had sex_, _made love, '_had_ _intercourse, really Nick?' _He shrugs, smiles wide like he's not a thousand years old and says_, 'should I say get it on? Shagged_?' but this is something else altogether.

No, this, what they're doing now, it's fucking.

They were there to clean up the place; throw dust covers down, pack the valuables, _hide the daggers_- and Bonnie remembers, after stepping on a tie pin, that Elijah needs more suits.

'_You can't…' _He says, taping the buttons on his jeans,_ '…expect me to live like this Bennett.'_ Uh, huh, Elijah hates jeans, duly noted.

So, she stops by Rebekah's room (might as well) while Klaus gathers what's left of Kol's possessions and they meet in Elijah's. It's clean, too clean, after all this time; like even the dust was afraid to settle here in this place. Klaus adds what jewelry Elijah has to the box in his hand while she packs his unmentionables.

Soon all that's left are the suits. She should have expected the closet- she's met the man. He's so well put together, organized, maybe even a little OCD and his closet reflects that. They're all color coded, arranged by label- Armani, Dolce & Gabbana, Valli, Versace, Zucchelli- the list goes on and on. Still, she can't fault him for his choice of clothing, that man was _made _to wear a suit.

Even if those jeans show off his amazing ass. _"You can see my ass just fine in proper clothes Miss Bennett."_

She pulls an Armani off the hanger, rubs the fabric between her fingers and wonders if Klaus would wear something like this for her. Hell, he doesn't even have to wear the whole get up, just the tie would do. And as she thinks on this he walks up behind her, ready to take it from her, when she drops it and tackles him to the ground (inadvertently pulling expensive fabric down with them).

She loves that she can make him laugh, and he does, loudly, all the while pulling her shirt off, pushing her skirt up and tugging her down for a kiss. She wonders what Elijah would think about them rolling around on his suits as she wraps the tie around his neck and flips them over, so she's on top.

"Think he'll notice?" She's breathless and distracted, he keeps trying to flip them but she holds him down easily. He bares his fangs and thrusts up, pushing against her and her magic. _"_Can we not talk about my brother," he breathes against her skin, "or anyone else, please?"

She pulls the tie _tighter_ and leans over to watch his face flicker; the veins under his eyes appear and waver like static on a television screen and he's helpless, finally, beneath her. Right where he belongs. She should have done this a long time ago.

_Stupid loyalty to stupid friends. _

"Who else would we talk about Nick?" She spreads her legs until they're touching, all her weight _rightthere _where he wants it. He tries to bring his legs up so she can lean back against them, so she can _move_ against him but his feet slip, slide, _catch _on the suits lining the closet floor. He snarls at her, eyes bright yellow in the dark of the closet and for the first time since they started _this_ he wishes he could _compel_ her.

Just a little bit.

"Sweetheart," he says, when he really means _witch - _**_fuck _**_- stop playing with me _and she tilts her hips just enough for him to lose his train of thought. She scoots back, and they both watch the buttons of his jeans come loose, one by one, by way of her magic.

She has no problem getting to her feet and removing his pants (_No unmentionables for Niklaus_), her feet firmly planted on the expensive silk Elijah favors. The second the pants clear his knees she lets go, pulls her magic back and he's got her pinned to the floor before they can touch the tops of his feet.

"We're not going to talk about Elijah," His fingers slip around her throat, glide over phantom bite marks, tickle her collar bone. She smiles up at him and takes hold of the tie around his neck to bring him down so she can lick his lips, bite his chin- his neck. "And we aren't going to talk about Damon." He sighs against her ear.

"I have no use for Damon when he's _normal_. What am I going to do with _little Damon_?"

His laughter echoes in the small space, sends wonderful vibrations through her and she can't help but laugh with him. In this moment she's almost glad she went a bit crazy and decided to give him a chance. He's pulled her back from the edge- removed the wall the Salvatores had her up against.

He's freed her.

BKBKBKB

"That's enough of that." He flips her over, sporadic giggles escaping his perfect lips even as he slides two fingers over her opening, spreading the wetness he gathers around her clit. He goes slow, teasing her and now it's her turn to push. She gets her knees under her, lifts her ass in the air and he moves with her.

He keeps his other hand flat between her shoulder blades, long fingers brushing her nape and he bends over to bite her just as he pushes _those_ fingers in, in as deep as they can go. He doesn't want to drink from her (not that he lets any go to waste) he just wants her to _hold still. _

And she does. She gives in and takes it; her face buried in Elijah's suits, the expensive fabric soaking up her moans, the saliva she can't swallow. Their thighs rub against each other slickly when he removes his fingers and leans over her so he can rub them against her lips.

And she's laughing again, at the focused look on his face as she takes those fingers in, sucks, her mouth tight around him. She's tempting him to put something else in there but he's got no more patience for foreplay.

He moves again, behind her now and then he's_ in_ her- one _hard_ thrust and they're skin to skin. His face is pressed against the back of her neck, licking her leaking wounds, reminding her to _take it_- be still. Again he starts slow, too slow and she tilts her head so she can speak.

_Encourage_ him a little.

"Why would we be talking about Damon anyway?" The sentence comes out choppy and half moaned but it has the desired effect- he's pulled her up- one hand tangled in her hair, the other tight across her chest. "He. Wants. You." Every word punctuated by a thrust so hard it slides them across the floor.

Elijah's suits impossibly crumpled under their knees.

"Uh huh. Like Stefan wants you?" Instead of making him angry it sets him off again, his laughter infectious, so much so she tightens around him- so tight he can barely thrust. She swivels her hips, her own brand of teasing and he retaliates by cupping her breasts. Pinching her sensitive nipples between his fingers and releasing only to start again.

"You don't mind…" He starts, pinches her once more before holding her arms close to her body with one arm. The other is sliding down her body, sure fingers finding and flicking her clit, "the ripper's crush?" And all she can do is throw her head back, her thighs coming together involuntarily, only to slip apart again.

"Stefan wants you too." The thought makes her _gush_, and he slides his fingers back and _in_, his thumb is right there, pressing against her and she's crying. _It's so good._ He lets her arms go so he can twist her hair around his fingers and bring her head around. So he can lick them off, lick them right into her mouth.

"You want that sweetheart? Both of us…" and he's shoving her down again, his hand skimming her back, caressing her ass, "right here?" His hand leaves her body for a moment but when he touches her again his fingers are _wet_, rubbing against her asshole and she cums _so fucking hard _before he can even push in.

He doesn't let that discourage him- no he's pushing in, everywhere, letting her ride it out.

Making it last.

When she's done shaking, shivering from the aftershocks he wraps his sticky fingers around her hips and _fucks_ her.

BKBKBKB

When it's over his head is resting against her thigh, where he can watch his cum dribble out of her. _All over Elijah's Armani, Dolce, Versace_… He rubs it over her clit, sucks up as it leaks out- makes her cum over and over. And through it all he wants to talk. She can't even _breathe _so she groans when appropriate and pulls his head closer when's he's been talking too long.

"They can't stay in there forever…" She wraps that tie he's still wearing tight around her fist and holds him right where she wants him, where she needs him. Till she's crying out, shaking, thrusting her hips up till it's too much and her thighs close around him.

"We've got to do something about them Bonnie." He says. But it doesn't sound like that _at all. _Not with his face buried between her legs, his tongue inside her right now, in this moment, she doesn't care if they rot in there- every single one of those fuckers deserves it.

"Sweetheart, your Dad's going to retire one day…"

"I don't want to hear it Niklaus…" She finally catches her breath and gathers enough energy to sit up so she can look him in the eye. "Just. Stop. Talking. And eat me."

And, like the good pet she's training him to be he gets to work.

BKBKBKB

Six months after she dropping Elijah into the _boarding house_ (where he dusted himself off, tipped his hat at Bonnie [so to speak] and took the room farthest from everyone else's) Bonnie decides to start family counseling for all the vampires in her care. Klaus was right about one thing, she can't keep them forever.

She has places to go and a hybrid to do.

Everyone in the house is out of control; Stefan's gone crazy ripper again. Elena's slept with everyone in the house at least once and denied it (_It's always going to be Stefan Bonnie. I don't know why he won't believe me!_). She's had to stop Elijah from murdering everyone in the house at least twice; she's had to save Damon eight but that's only because he's a Cardinals fan and Elijah's a fan of the Sox.

When she threatened to cancel the Directv Elijah threatened to decapitate Damon- she thought about it, but Stefan gave her brooding face number three and she caved.

Kol and Rebekah are watching too much day time television (Maury and Jersey Shore could only _fuck them up worse_ at this point). Damon's had to give Alaric blood at least _twenty_-eight times- alcohol poisoning is no joke. Damon's started _journaling_ and Sage decided to teach Meredith all about being a woman.

So because the house could be damaging them irreparably she brings up the idea of counseling one night on the way home from the park.

"Counseling?" Klaus was amused. _"_I've found that people, especially vampires, respond best to violence." He might have a point but she doesn't have time for torture. "I've got to do something, it's not like I can bury them in the back yard when we go on vacation."

"You can kill them. That's permanent and has the added bonus of…"

She makes sure to keep her face blank when he stands up from the side walk- those cracks are a bitch.

So Klaus agrees, reluctantly, (as he brushes the dirt off his knees) that maybe just _maybe _his family could use a good sit down. "How long was Kol daggered again?" He has the best glare. _"_That's not the point."

BKBKBKB

So, every Tuesday and Thursday it's the Mikaelson's turn at family wellness, while Mondays and Wednesdays belong to the Salvatore brothers. Stefan wasn't too thrilled with the idea '_Just kill me now!'_ but it didn't take Damon long to come around, '_I didn't know you were a fan of Freud Bon-Bon!' _

Klaus laughs, '_Does Elena remind you of your mother Damon?'_ and suddenly Stefan's on board.

No amount of work could fix the three humans; they were all too far gone.

At least according to Klaus.

"Alaric still hates his wife for choosing to become a vampire and leaving him behind." Bonnie can't believe his explanation; Alaric's stronger than that, bigger than that. "Are you sure it's not because his _bestie_ slept with and turned her that drove him over the edge? Oh, and lets not forget that you killed **_Jenna_**. That had to hurt."

Klaus shakes his head and sets the table,"I've seen it before. No matter what you say he's going to want to kill us all before it's all said and done. Just you wait." She doesn't throw the napkin holder at his head- she wants to- but he's gone before she can pick it up and when he comes back from the kitchen he's got the serving tray in his hand.

She waits until he puts it down (she couldn't risk the Tenderloin) then _nudges_ his arm out of its socket. He's quick to remind her he's friends with the sheriff now, that domestic violence is _no_ laughing matter and '_really Bonnie, what will our friends think?_' as he rights himself and pulls out her chair.

He caresses her neck as he rounds the table, his index and middle fingers pressing down on the bite marks that haven't quite healed. _Arrogant bastard._

Meredith is even more unstable, he continues, holding her hand across the table. Klaus likes to talk with his hands and he points at her with the fork in his free hand, "Mark my words Love, there's some childhood trauma there- some dead sibling, a parent. They could have been saved but for the "**evil**" vampire who refused to give him her blood."

He offers her the baby carrot stuck to the tines of his fork and raises a brow. The sauce is good, delicious even but she wants to hear more.

"Okay, Alaric I get, maybe but Meredith **is** helping people…"

Klaus shrugs, sits back in his chair and takes a sip of blood (a sip of blood from a crystal glass _borrowed_ from the Salvatore house), "she wants to help people _now_. How long until she's got some vampire strung up in her basement? A hybrid? Yeah, I don't see that working out."

She can't help but smile (killing vampires isn't such a bad thing in her book) but he's serious. "You laugh now but when Caroline's missing a **liver** or you find Tyler in a tub full of ice or something don't come crying to me."And Bonnie can't help but tick Meredith off the list.

"And Elena, surely she can be saved?" Here she hesitates and he ignores it (because sometimes he _can_ catch a clue and he rightly decides it would be in his best interest to just _shut the fuck up_ for a change.) He chews, complements her on the tenderloin she'd made and when he continues he's serious, maybe too serious.

"She's selfish." He holds up a hand to stop her from interrupting, "What makes Elena someone you want to save? Besides knowing her since you were children?" So, she thinks about it. Who is Elena Gilbert? She's kind hearted, loyal, honest, _human_ and tells him so. He scoffs at her and cuts his meat with so much force his knife cracks the plate.

"When Stefan came to town and she found out what he was she didn't warn you to be careful, to watch out, if not for Stefan then for Damon."It wasn't Elena's story to tell, she starts, but he ignores her. "When he gave her vervain she didn't offer to share, she didn't know you couldn't be compelled."

He has a point, not that it sways her_. _"She let Damon feed off of Caroline…" He takes a breath he doesn't need, "…didn't have Stefan give Caroline vervain. He only did so to protect Elena in the end."

Bonnie isn't jealous of his _attraction_ to Caroline (she's hot) if she's honest she's more worried about his _thing_ with Stefan but sometimes she wonders if he isn't as over her as he thinks he is. She can tolerate his bromance with Stefan (cause that's kinda hot, she doesn't care what Damon says) but she draws the line at Caroline.

She really doesn't want to kill him but she will if she has to. Caroline too.

And because he knows where she stands on the Caroline issue he's quick to go on.

"He took a bite out you and she falls in love with him- he can't get out of the tomb, she follows him in. If not for her your grams would be alive."Sure it didn't happen quite like that but when it comes down to it he's right. She doesn't tell him so because she's put that behind her but he doesn't give up.

"Oh. Lets see, she undaggered my brother when she herself has a brother."

Here she stops him because she doesn't know what he's getting at and he looks at her as if it were obvious. "I could kill anyone of my brothers- or Rebekah- right now and they wouldn't be able to stop me..."He says it like he's seriously considered it- dreamed about it even and they smile at each other.

She's thought about it too (Especially after Kol and Rebekah killed Sage last week and '_planted'_ her in the '_garden_.' They insisted they had a good reason but the guest room still smells like rotting vampire.)

"…You've got them trapped in that house and if I wanted I could bite them all and be done with it- but I** can't**. I couldn't kill them anymore than Elena could kill her stoner brother or Damon could kill Stefan."

And he laughs, like their plots to kill him were amusing instead of terrifying and the only reason she doesn't stab him with her fork is because he's right. He doesn't have to go on, to tell her that Elena's only loyal to those she's fucking or contemplating fucking- she knew it was a lie when she said it.

And really, so what if Elena's a human- she's probably killed more humans by being an _idiot_ than Stefan when he was on his compelled vacation.

So family therapy it is then.

BKBKBKB

"Damon, you've really got to get over this; it's been one hundred years give or take a few decades," Stefan throws his hands up as if to say, _"see, even crazy Klaus agrees with me,"_and puts his feet up on the coffee table. Bonnie pops a few blood vessels and Stefan is immediately repentant.

She wasn't going to play this game today.

Klaus gives Bonnie a heated look (Klaus has a _thing_ for magic) and continues, "…and, really, you enjoy being a vampire."

Damon grimaces, because he knows that they're right but he can't stomach the thought of telling them so. Instead he kicks Stefan's feet off of the coffee table, sips his blood and ignores them all.

"Don't you think it's time you've let this go mate? You hated Katharine, everyone **hated** Katharine; you love being a vampire and…" Klaus gives Bonnie a _besotted _look that makes both Salvatores cringe; they're secretly convinced she's put a spell on him but since they're more afraid of _her_ than _not_ they don't say anything. "…Bonnie's dropped a house on the doppelganger…"

Damon refuses to listen; he's still upset about the last topic (Stefan burning down his Italian Villa and leaving his victims scattered all over the property- he's convinced that they're still wanting to question him about that.) and he's heard this all before.

"I don't think I want to let this go. I promised you an eternity of misery Stefan. An **eternity** and,"

Bonnie takes notes, _(The elder Salvatore (Damon) is a bitter little _**_cunt_**_ today. He refuses to let go of his anger…)_, and tries not to comment on their fights. They are all so petty and it makes something behind her eyes _throb._ She's already set Stefan on fire twice today and now he's a mute because he's a _snide little bitch_ ('_Do I look like I want a visit from vampire Barbie and hybrid Ken?'_) and can't keep his mouth shut.

Damon's still traumatized from last Tuesday's session, where he blamed Bonnie for his excessive drinking, implied that she'd sold her soul to the **Devil **('_Klaus, the Devil, same thing…'_) and called her every witch in existence. She, in turn, changed him into a cat.

A declawed, neutered, Maine Coon cat with patchy fur, a crooked tail and _fleas._

Damon still can't help but look over his shoulder- who would have guessed the Mikaelson's liked to fresh feed- from cats? He's just lucky he was able to come back; nine lives weren't enough, especially not with Stefan around.

BKBKBKB

On Monday Bonnie removes Kol's legs, _temporarily_. She thought it'd be a good idea after he kicked Rebekah through a wall for suggesting his imaginary friend sit out of counseling but after Elijah _buried_ him in the back yard next to Sage's _head_ Kol behaves himself.

Otherwise the Mikaelson's sessions go relatively well.

Considering. They're still original vampires with mommy issues (Klaus and Rebekah), daddy issues (Klaus), over inflated senses of self worth (Klaus and Kol), superiority complexes (Elijah), insecurity issues (Rebekah), relationship problems (Klaus, Rebekah and Elijah), and whole hosts of other well documented problems.

Not to mention the fact Kol is psychotic, has an imaginary friend that may or may not be a vampire ('_Bonnie he's a part of the family too, I don't care what that trollop says!'_) and insists that Maury is the best thing on TV.

It doesn't take Bonnie long to feel sorry for Rebekah, understand why she is the way she is. All of her brothers are assholes. Big, mean, over protective, psychotic (_imaginary friend having_) assholes that like to spoil her until her wants contradict theirs. Then its war and someone gets daggered.

Or their eyes scratched out.

She sees Rebekah as a lost little girl; she's lost her connection to nature (Rebekah says it's like she's underwater and her magic is the air above- air that she can't reach because she no longer needs it [even though she really, **really** does]). Her mother turned her into a monster and her brother's put her on a pedestal but she can't live up to their expectations.

She _almost_ offers to let her go; Matt's lonely; the last time he had a date she turned out to be a shape shifter (bobcat) and Caroline's apologized a hundred times for eating her, '_who turns into a bobcat? Really Matt, you're better off._' But then she chokes Elena, bites Meredith and sleeps with Alaric (not in that order) and Bonnie's forced to leave her with her crazy brothers.

BKBKBKB

"You are all insane."

She's really tired of Kol, (who, around month eight, decides that Damon is his new best friend) and Stefan, (who, around month nine, decides to murder Kol and Damon) fighting. The _boarding house_ is on its last legs and because in a past life she _must _have sacrificed nuns and kitties to the rain Gods Klaus_ refuses_ to help her when they all take sides.

Rebekah, Elijah and Stefan plan a midnight sneak attack on Damon, Kol and Meredith that collapses the second floor? _'Don't worry Love; you don't have to live there.' _Damon stabs Stefan with an iron curtain rod? _'He's a vampire Bonnie, I don't care how many rabbits he eats, he'll heal. Eventually.' _Elena burns down the east wing planning a romantic dinner (for _Alaric)_ in front of the fire place? '_Murders not looking so bad now, is it Love?'_

She _'tries,' _to get control but Elijah's blood thirsty when wronged, _'that's a twelve hundred dollar jacket Alaric!'_ So when Alaric wakes up in transition she gives up and she and Klaus take an emergency vacation to Egypt.

They leave Caroline in charge of the weekly blood drop, make sure Matt understands that new people in town aren't necessarily _human_ people and Klaus compels Tyler to watch out for Jeremy (who decides it's safe to come home now that Elena's out of the way).

When they come back they find out that Meredith's dead (Rebekah doesn't like competition), Elena can't decide whose side she's on (seriously) and Caroline ('_accidently, I swear. Who leaves random puppies in the park Bonnie? This is all Stefan's fault!'),_ ate Jeremy's puppy.

BKBKBKB

"So, you're going to turn, just like that? You hate vampires." Caroline glares at mini Elena and barely resists the urge to swat her but she's just gotten her nails done and can't risk it.

"What about being a witch? What about _me_…"

Matt doesn't have a problem reaching into the _boarding house_ and knocking some sense into the doppelganger. She stumbles into Damon but seeing as she stood him up last night (for Kol- that friendship is _so _over) he tosses her to Stefan. Stefan picks her up but only because she landed on his new (shrunk just for him) _Timberlands _- (he's now eighty-five percent sure she's considering that threesome.).

"…Um. I meant us. All of us Bonnie, we'll be trapped here."

Klaus finds their panic amusing; especially the doppelganger's. Now she knows what it _really_ feels like to have her life on the line. Tyler and Matt are just as amused- they're usually on the front lines- fighting the war- losing their lives (Caroline and Tyler) and their families (Matt, Tyler, Caroline. **_Bonnie._**).

It's high time she felt a little _terror._

"No worries- there's a spell for that." Damon's excited (vampire Bonnie = Hot vampwitch sex). Stefan too (he's had fantasies about this). Kol couldn't care less (he's trying to put the moves on Elena). Elijah's still upset about his suits, (those stains will _never _come out) and Alaric's intoxicated (still…again).

Rebekah's _hopeful. _

"My best friend isn't a cell phone Klaus!" Elena- well Elena's just confused. She still thinks this is about her.

Yeah, maybe group…family…._vampire_ counseling isn't the answer.


	3. Moving Day

**Title: **Moving Day  
**Author: **Dragana  
**Main Pairing: **Bonnie/Klaus  
**Other Pairings: **Caroline/Tyler - Matt/Rebekah  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Warnings: **Bad Language. Total Crack fic. No beta. All mistakes are mine.  
**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Vampire Diaries, Disney, Barbie, Ken, The Walking Dead, PBS, Fed Ex or anything else.  
**Summary: **Klaus, Tyler and Caroline aren't allowed to be alone together- ever again. Oh and nobody tells Bonnie what to do. Ever.  
**Author's note: **Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews, alerts, favorites! I wasn't sure if I was going about this the right way but your reviews make me smile (and write more). If there is anything you'd like to see happen in the _boarding house_ let me know- I'll try to include it.

Moving Day

When Bonnie's dad decides to move to Washington, where, unbeknownst to Bonnie, Klaus compelled him a promotion, she decides to move into Klaus' house (Caroline wants to name it the Love Shack but Klaus veto's the idea). She didn't want to keep her dad's place; it wasn't a _home_, not like her gram's house or even Caroline's. And she didn't want to be alone.

Ever again.

So, she helps her dad pack his things, has the guys help her set up a yard sale for everything not going with her or her father and asks Klaus and Caroline to take care of moving the **new** _boarding house_. Klaus, graciously, set aside an unused room in the mansion big enough for it. The old one was damaged beyond repair and couldn't even be moved.

And to say Bonnie was _livid_ at that realization was an understatement. Damon's fingers were_ just_ starting to grow back. They still haven't figured out what they're going to do with the occupants but he assured her that there was time.

_"We've got years, at least ten, before we have to move. And if you still don't want to (kill them) let them go we can always take them with us." _

After the disaster that was family counseling it was a relief not to worry about it- them. She was looking forward to a few quiet days, especially after Meredith Fell had the nerve to come back to life (briefly) - as a _fucking zombie _- (seriously) - and chew on Stefan. Damon hasn't stopped gloating; he'd been the one to behead her (after_ allowing_ her to take a chunk out of a screaming Stefan).

Klaus thought the whole zombie thing was _amazing._ Like his birthday, the day he killed Mikael, and a hybrid free for all (by way of Elena's spontaneous, violent, bloody death) – all wrapped up in a neat little package.

_"Did you see her Bonnie? All slow moving and **still** able to catch the bunny eating ripper?" _

He'd woken her up at four in the morning when Meredith _just so happened_ to dig herself up. Still sleep fuzzy she asked why he was in the spare room in the first place – She didn't _think_ he had anything to do with Alaric's zombie girlfriend but she wouldn't put it past him.

He had every episode of The Walking Dead Tivo-ed; at her house. (And at his house, at Caroline's and at Matt's- Tyler's mother was afraid that the council could monitor her cable and refused to let them watch anything but PBS.) He also had every single zombie movie known to man and according to Rebekah he once asked Gloria to make him some to '_play with_.'

So, she was maybe forty percent sure Klaus had nothing to do with it. Maybe.

BKBKBKB

Matt gave her a ride to the Mikaelson's mansion a week later. She sold or donated everything in her dad's house, saw him off to Washington with very few tears (on her part) and gave the realtor a preliminary tour of the house. Klaus called her at least ten times since that morning; he was sure that she'd get cold feet and move in with Caroline or do something drastic, like go to _Florida_.

(_Only old, decrepit people move to Florida sweetheart_.)

She thought the calls were cute, at first, but as the day wore on she became suspicious. She spotted a few hybrids watching her dad's house when she stuck the for-sale sign in the front yard, Caroline wasn't back yet and Tyler ditched them hours ago, _claiming _he had errands to run for his mother.

Yeah, and she was Queen of England. (_Klaus promised her she could be, all she had to do was say the word and she'd be in.)_

So, she and Matt killed the hybrids- they were _spies _damn it- and off they went.

When they arrived at the house no one was there to greet them, which was odd, considering who lived there. Klaus (the crazy fucker) hated people with bad manners and insisted on meeting visitors at the front door (seriously). When neither Klaus nor Caroline met them in the foyer she and Matt shared a wary look.

He was worried that she'd fly off the handle and _incinerate_ them if she caught the two in a compromising position, and she was worried that she'd _have to_ incinerate them (she'd skipped breakfast, and channeling all that power was exhausting) if she caught them in a compromising position. They dropped what they had in their hands and started looking.

Matt tried to race her to the back of the house, hoping his loud foot falls would alert the two supernaturals and they'd _do something_ like hide or run or _kill themselves_ before Bonnie got to them but with a flick of her wrist Bonnie silenced him. Damn it.

It only made him move _faster_.

Before they were even close to the room Klaus had decided upon for the _boarding house_ Bonnie quietly threw the doors open and both of them were caught in the door way when they tried to enter together. And stuck they stayed because what they found on the other side was so horrifying they literally couldn't move.

"What in the **_ever loving fuck_** are ya'll doing?" Bonnie could only shake her head as Caroline, Tyler and Klaus turned to face her; guilty, shameful, expressions painted on their faces.

"What he said."

BKBKBKB

"So let me get this straight; Caroline missed her childhood and decided, on a _whim_, that she wanted to play _Barbies_ and you both agreed? _Seriously_?"

Bonnie was having a hard time believing this shit. Matt, well, he already knew about Tyler's _fascination_ with _Ken _and wasn't as surprised. But crazy, _killer Klaus_, the original hybrid? Yeah, so not what he expected.

When they finally entered the room where the new and improved _boarding house _took up most of the space, Matt took over the questioning. Seeing as how Bonnie couldn't even blink at the moment.

"Donovan, mate, uh. This isn't what it looks like. At all."

And Matt would _so_ believe him (he's a bad ass, _Aunt Jenna killing_, hybrid after all) but he's got Stefan in one hand and Elena in the other. _Flight attendant_ Barbie (Elena) and _Doctor_ Ken (Stefan). Caroline hasn't said a word in her defense but she did put _Ballerina_ Damon and_ Hairdresser_ Alaric down in the yard as if she _wasn't_ just making them _kiss_. Tyler, unafraid of scrutiny, was still trying to put shoes on _Cheerleader_ Rebekah, _News Anchor_ Kol shoved under one arm.

And if Matt wasn't mistaken that was _Wedding stylist _Elijah in the Barbie Corvette.

"Uh huh. So is everything unpacked?" Klaus nodded quickly, happy that he wouldn't be questioned further but when he went to reach out, get Bonnie's attention, (after shoving Elena in the car with Elijah and setting Stefan down (gently, lovingly) on a convenient bench) she jerked away.

"How could you!" She screeched, stomping her foot like a kid.

Everyone was confused. Matt could understand where Bonnie was coming from though. It must have been a shock to witness her (lover, mate, boy-toy) hybrid- whatever- playing with dolls. Well. Doll-like people…vampires. Whatever. Caroline, the only brave one in the bunch, decided to speak up.

"What? It's not like they haven't played with _us_!"

And she's right. So very right, but that's not why Bonnie's angry. "I just gave all my Barbie stuff to the Goodwill!"

BKBKBKB

Compulsion is a wonderful thing. Seriously. Matt, Caroline, Klaus, Bonnie and Tyler spend the next week (in between food runs, sex, and bathroom breaks) playing Barbies with their prisoners. Klaus had compelled everyone to be still and quiet. Bendable. _Smile wide and plastic like_.

And Bonnie isn't sure why they hadn't done this sooner.

She and Caroline fight over Damon, twice, ('_He bit me!' 'Well he bit me too and **then** he had the nerve to sleep with me.' 'You win!'_) and accidentally rip his arm off (Bonnie, reluctantly, puts him back together when the _Stewardess_ outfit refuses to fit _right_). Klaus and Matt spend a questionable amount of time turning Kol, Stefan and Elijah into all of the Disney Princesses.

And take pictures.

Tyler still can't get Rebekah's shoes on right and Jeremy shows up on Sunday with Bonnie's missing box of Barbie accessories, some random GI Joe's and the entire Adult Barbie collection. Dominatrix Barbie (Rebekah)? Check! Submissive Ken (Stefan)? Check! Traumatized (Police Officer) Stripper (Elijah)? Double check!

And someone (Klaus) put Elena in Barbie's trunk. With Alaric.

The gang was interrupted on Monday when Jamie knocks on the door (Matt only answered it because they were expecting the Fed Ex dude- he was bringing Barbie's Dream house). He wants to see Bonnie, he says. He knows she's in there, he says. And if they don't let her go he'll make them pay, he says.

Matt tries very, very hard not to laugh in his face but a few sleep deprived giggles still escape. He promises the irate teen that Bonnie would be out as soon as uh, humanly possible and shuts the door in his face. Well. He would have if the Fed Ex dude didn't pull into the drive before he could.

Jamie waits, not so patiently, for the football player to sign for the package then reminded him that he'd make them all pay for holding his (sister) girlfriend hostage if they didn't produce her _right this minute_.

Matt didn't even try to hold back his laughter as he slammed the door in his face.

BKBKBKB

"Bon there's some delusional dude on the porch for you. Says we're gonna pay if you don't come outside."

The second Matt hits the door Klaus has his knife out, cutting into the box like he cut into that guy at Baskin Robins (he forgot to put the sprinkles on his sundae. Who does that?). He looks over his shoulder, briefly, and when Bonnie nods he goes back to his Dream house.

"Hybrid, vampire or snack?" She puts Stefan in her pocket (Klaus had been eying him for the longest but she wasn't done playing with him) and gets to her to her feet, hesitantly. She hopes that who ever it is makes it quick- she's finally gotten Caroline to give up the Cowgirl outfit and she was planning on _squeezing_ Stefan into that bad boy come hell or high water.

"Uh. Snack." Matt's still laughing; he either needs a nap or to stop hanging out with Jeremy.

"Says you're his sister wife, or something like that." Klaus dropped the pink plastic lawn furniture he'd been unwrapping and pushed past her (grabbing Stefan out of her front pocket on the way). Bonnie follows him. Not so much to save the human at the door but to get Stefan back.

She couldn't wait to see his ass in those cut off shorts.

When she makes it to the door Nick's got Jamie (the kid her mother decided to raise instead of her, after she left her because of _Elena_) held up against the open door. He's compelling him to tell the truth and the whole truth. Nothing but the truth or I'll _eat you_. He's looking at her as he says the last bit and his eyes are laughing- the _freak._

"My mother sent me. She wants to bring your mother back; she needs Bonnie's help to do it. She wants all vampires dead." He takes a deep breath, thinks for a minute then adds, "Oh. And I'm in love with Bonnie." Klaus shakes him a bit, hoping to hurry this up. Caroline's going to steal his lawn furniture, he just knows it.

Bonnie can't find it in her to feel sorry for him. He's too _crazy_ desperate. Like Stefan when one of the cheerleaders is on the rag desperate. Not cool at all. "My mother said its okay because we aren't related. We're going to have Magical Bennett Babies." He looks over Klaus' shoulder to talk to her then bravely looks the hybrid in the eye and says, "After Bonnie kills you."

Bonnie blacks out for a second and when she comes to Klaus tells her that she's shrunk the kid, set Rebekah free (and gave her back her magic) and sent her after Abby. She's leaning against the wall in the _play room_, has Stefan in a death grip Hugo the abominable snow man would cringe at and she's petting him.

Vigorously.

"What right does she have to tell me what to do?" She _smoothes_ Stefan's hair down, bending his head back so far it _almost_ comes off. "The only person I'm having _Magical Bennett Babies_ with is you. Maybe. If you can stop killing living, breathing people."

Klaus smiles, kinda (killing people is awesome) and moves closer or tries to. She's swinging Stefan around now, trying to get her point across. "And only if you put a ring on it. I'm not living in sin with you and having babies."

Klaus gives Stefan (he looks a little green and panic eyed for a vampire) a pitying look, nods at Bonnie (because, really, at this point whatever she says goes) and goes back to the Dream house. Matt's got it set up already, right next to the _boarding house_.

BKBKBKB

An hour and a half later Rebekah _smashes_ through the window, on a _broom_, with Bonnie's mother. "I've always wanted to do that!" Matt, Tyler and Jeremy cheer, Klaus yawns (he's seen better, honestly) and Caroline bends Damon in several _unnatural_ positions in celebration.

Bonnie shrinks her mother and drop kicks her into the_ boarding house_.

"Who wants take out?"

BKBKBKB

"_Goddamnsonofabitch_!"

Bonnie's voice shakes the house and everyone scatters. Matt takes Rebekah home (because she's hot, magical, and he hasn't been laid in forever- _thanks Caroline._), Caroline and Tyler escape through the broken window (they can hear Bonnie coming down the hall and don't want to chance it). And Jeremy hops out after them (Tyler's been giving him _looks_ and Caroline's_ not _opposed to _watching_).

"You don't need to use the toilet." She clears the door just as he finishes removing all the compulsion (he wasn't going to hand feed them) on the prisoners and he turns to face her courageously.

Okay. Maybe he backs up a bit. Runs into the _boarding house_ and almost falls on his ass.

"You only need to use the bathroom to wash your ass and brush your teeth Nick- really; there is no other reason for you to be in there. So why…" She pokes him in the chest with her tiny, pointy, little fingers hard enough that she breaks skin.

"…did you leave the toilet seat up?"

Damon laughs (because he's an idiot.) and Klaus (the moron.) says, "are you sure it was me?"

She electrocutes both of them, until the smoke alarm goes off and stomps off to take a shower.

BKBKBKB

The next day (after sleeping on the couch even though they have like _fifty_ guest rooms) Bonnie makes him clean the play room.

_"You can't have friends over if you don't clean up Nick." _

Stefan (who doesn't seem as disturbed as Klaus was expecting) comes out of the _boarding house_ to sit on the _porch_. "I never would have left the seat up." He says snidely. Klaus doesn't say anything, but he does hold up the pretty-pretty princess photo album they made.

Stefan, smartly, keeps his mouth shut until he's done cleaning. When Bonnie comes into check the room (and kiss Klaus for a job well done) Stefan decides to recite poetry. Loudly, so he can be heard over Bonnie's moans.

"Why is Stefan quoting Tupac?" Caroline brushes past the couple, who shrug and continue kissing. She drops to her knees in front of the _boarding house _and empties a bag of doll clothes in the yard- she'd bought out Wal-Mart, Target and Toy's R Us.

"Elijah…come out, come out where ever you are!"

While waiting for Elijah to man up and show himself she asks Stefan if he's "trying to become the new Mac Miller." His befuddled expression is cute, "MGK," She tries. "_Slim Shady?_"

Stefan huffs, briskly walks back into the boarding house, rushes into his room and slams the door behind him. Hard.

"You know we can still see you right?"

Caroline finally (after watching Stefan fall back on his bed and pull out his journal) spots Elijah's feet sticking out from the under the bushes in the 'yard' and gives him a good _yank_, till he's dangling from her fingers.

"How about _Life Guard_ Barbie?"

Elijah's _unmanly_ screams almost make up for that one time, when he decided to double cross them.

_Almost._


End file.
